Facebook Thinks I'm Gay

Almost every day Facebook tells me I'm gay (not that there's anything wrong with that), and I need more gay activities in my life. It all started about a year ago, when I noticed that the advertising tiles on the right side of Facebook's secondary pages were getting increasingly colorful... rainbow colored in fact. Over the months I wondered about the origin of these ads and what I might have typed or clicked to become a blip on Facebook's gaydar.

Over the last week or so I collected evidence of FB's campaign of fabulousness in my honor. I call this matrix of gay advertising...

"The Gaytrix"

This was just a few days worth of screenshots.

Somewhere in an advertising database deep in the bowels of FB headquarters it says "Oh Hell Yeah" in the "GAY?" field next to my name. I don't care about the ads one way or the other. I usually ignore them, but I couldn't stop thinking about how it all worked.

How does the Gaytrix choose its next victim? What are the determining factors? How gay do you have to be before FB recognizes you as such? I'm gonna say not very gay at all. Maybe it's not an algorithm that makes these decisions, maybe it's a legion of pencil pushers plodding though piles of images, status updates, and comments. Maybe one of those pile plodding pencil pushers took a liking to me, hoping that and onslaught of gay advertising would be the tipping point making me come out and join the mustache parade. 

Probably not. I probably said something so terribly gay that it left the FB computers with no other alternative than that I was very very gay and in desperate need of a cruise, a big bear gay cruise to cOPENhagen to be exact.      

Synthetic Jerseys: The Great Stink Cycle

Most of my jerseys can be worn twice in a week before they become somewhat offensive. I throw them on the pile (much to my wife's chagrin) and move on to the next jersey. However, two of my jerseys have crossed over to the dark side. If I wear them, they are unbearable by the time I get to work. By the time I get home they will have become so powerful that the odor lingers long after I throw them in the backyard. The offending jersey must be washed several times before it can be worn again, only to stink just as bad, thus the great stink cycle continues.

No more! I'm moving to merino wool. Hailed as the non-stinky all weather miracle material on the interwebs, merino wool is praised by most anyone who owns some. I may have to sell some blood or bike parts to get the good stuff but I've had enough with the stench and the spousal complaints. 

Do you have a brand/product recommendations? Post a comment and let us know.

Wanker Of The Week: Tony Kornheiser

This has been bouncing around the interwebs today. Tony Kornheiser has put a hit out on me, you, and every other cyclist in DC.

via Urban Velo

Bike commuting is interesting enough without media d-bags calling on everyone to run me over. How about this, if you ride a bike on a regular basis and happen to see Tony Kornheiser, you should punch him as hard as you can in the kidneys.

It's really futile trying to argue with someone who's main goal in life is to hear themselves talk, but hopefully Lance will get the job done.


F*ck You Tony Kornheiser.


UPDATE: Lance was on Tony's show today. Check it out. Some good open dialog here.

Bridging The GAP

Urban Velo bounced this article from Newsweek today about one of the last remaining speed bumps in the completion of the historic C&O / GAP trail connection from DC to Pittsburgh.

The douche bags over at Sandcastle Waterpark, "refused to allow the trail to proceed through their property, even threatening riders with arrest who pedal their bike through their parking lot that features a double yellow line for car traffic, forcing riders to take what amounts to a highway around their property and thwarting what would otherwise be the longest continuous city to city trail in the United States".

These shitbirds are missing a golden marketing opportunity to have legions of active outdoorsy types riding and walking right passed their front door for free. Perhaps they just need some bad press to put this issue in perspective, so please forward this along.

Thursday, you're just not Friday enough for me.

The Commuter Breathes Salty

If you bike commute in the winter, chances are you're familiar with that dirty salt taste in your mouth after a truck goes by and kicks up a cloud of road salt (and magnesium chloride). It takes a lot of water to make that taste go away. This road salt slurry goes several places besides our lungs, the most fun of which are into local creeks and streams. Passing one of our local creeks this morning I saw this silt sludge build up in a tributary of Sligo Creek. This is the drainage point for several neighborhoods near the intersection of Georgia Ave and Seminary Rd. All of which are covered in sand and salt.

I suspect this is what my lungs look like right now.

It would be nice to find mask out there that would work for cyclists. It would have to be something that can filter out the clouds of pulverized salt but at the same time allows a ton of air to pass through. The lycra face mask will have to do for now.

The BFF Review: Rise Of The Nesmith Hipster

Last Saturday was the Bicycle Film Festival in Washington DC. I went to two out of the three programs and for the most part I enjoyed myself. For me the two films that embodied the true nature of cycling and most accurately illustrated the passion of cyclists were: "SKI BOYS",the last reels of the Ski Boys, which document their inventive exploits in rural Ontario during the early 70's, and "WHERE ARE YOU GO a documentary following the the four month Tour de Africa.

After watching these and several other selections I was on a huge veloculture high, which came crashing down when they showed "BROADWAY BOMBER/BRIDGE BATTLE", a first person helmet cam film of a street race through NYC. I have been in my share of adrenalin fueled sprints through our fare city and the rush is not lost on me. However, putting pedestrians in danger is just lame. This movie made me angry, I wasn't feeling the velo love anymore. To my amazement I found myself actually hoping that these d-bags would be hit as the bulleted through crowded crosswalks into fast moving traffic. Then a thought came to me, "This is why people throw crap at me when I commute to work. This is why it's so hard for cyclists to get a foothold in our car based culture".

People work extremely hard at advocating for cyclists, getting bike lanes approved, changing laws and gaining acceptance, and when people see butt holes like these flying within inches of an old lady in the cross walk it nullifies the progress made.

Ok, rant almost over...

As I stewed in my seat, I hoped the next film would wash away some of this anger, I was wrong. The final film of the evening was "ANIMA D'ACCIAIO (SOUL OF STEEL)", A Portrait of the legendary Italian frame builder Giovanni Pelizzoli aka "Ciocc". This would have been a great cinematic experience had the hosts been paying any attention and realized that the top and bottom of all the films were cropped off. This was a problem for those who wanted to read the subtitles which were half on the screen and half off. So I stared at the nice Italian people imagining how interesting their insights were and how enjoyable their dialog would be to read.

Overlooking a rather careless film choice and a technical blunder the BFF was pretty cool and I will probably give it another chance if it comes back to DC.

Now to the cultural phenomenon of the evening: The Nesmith.

It wasn't a shock to see the hipsters out in droves at this event. The shock came when I saw several hipsters wearing heavy knit hats with the little pom pom on top, (aka "the Nesmith") made popular by The Monkeys' guitarist, Mike Nesmith .


Making the Nesmith Hipster look complete is the earth tone "well worn" flannel shirt seen above.

This particular Nesmith, (seen volunteering at the BFF DC) is sans flannel, but the pom pom on the knit hat worn just off the back of the head is a sure tell. I imagine the Nesmith Hipster goes dormant during the summer months only to return in late November when the temperature drops.

Although the Nesmith Hipster seems a rare find, I believe that because of the hipsters' knack for proliferation we will be seeing a dramatic increase in population in the coming months.

In the photo above, not only did I capture the illusive "Snarles Barkley", but a potential Nesmith. Notice the flannel and set back hat, unfortunately because of the camera angle we may never know if this hipster was a true Nesmith.

The Wednesday dance is your chance to do the hump...

A Redneck And His Balls

I came upon the horror of this sight yesterday and it shook me to the core. Somewhere out there, a redneck... who may not even know it yet, has lost his identity, his reason to live, his truck's giant plastic genitalia. Scoff if you will people, but this is no laughing matter. For what is a big stupid redneck without a giant nasty looking ball sack hanging from under his bumper for all to behold.

We've all been there, stuck in traffic behind that F350 quad cab that's 4 feet off the ground forced to ponder the giant plastic ball sack displayed conveniently at eye level. What is it about the man in the driver's seat that compels him to show his love for balls to the world? That's how he defines himself? With nuts? Maybe he wants to leave that lasting impression on people as he drives away.

Now there goes a real man... who loves balls.

I wonder how they would look on the LHT?

Washington DC Needs A Tweed Ride (I Think)

via dustinj

What the hell DC? Where's your tweed? I keep seeing tweed rides advertised in other cities and I am getting a little jealous. I have a Brooks B17 Special on my nekkid LHT and an easily "handlebarred" mustache and no place to showcase the them. If you google Tweed Ride you'll see all these great photos and flyers of retro'd out 'tweedsters' having fun and NONE OF THEM ARE IN DC*. Are SanFran and Portland the only places where such veloshenanigans thrive?

Maybe I'm way off but I think there are a good number of people out there who would give the idea of a Washington DC Tweed Ride the ole' how's yer father. Am I right? Anyone?

*Here is where I stipulate that if there are indeed tweed rides going on in DC and I am just severely out of the loop (highly probable) than I apologize and beg your pardon and invitation to said event.

Have a dashing Tuesday ole' chap

UPDATE:

Here is teh follow up post from the November 15th 2009 DC Tweed Ride.

Washington, DC Got Tweeded, But Good

SuperBowl Ad Winners

This is my favorite by far.

The sound of a dot matrix printer running really brings it home.

And in second place.

Coming in third, this commercial involves MCHammer so it makes the cut by default.

Finally a quick advertising grievance. I have always thought that crappy Budweiser horse commercials are as crappy as their crappy beer.

Monday OUT!

Battery Turgidity

In the fall I took a moment to mention my man/gear love affair with the Nite Rider Extreme helmet light which has lasted me over 8 years now. I haven't treated it well. It's not something I do to gear. In fact I'm not sure what defines a well treated helmet light. At some point I must have crossed a line and the battery decided it has had enough. Today while charging it for the ride home I noticed a startling change in its shape. It became rather turgid which is something I wasn't aware batteries could do.

At first I was scared it might blow up releasing toxic acid fumes into my workplace (which wouldn't be so bad). I backed away not sure of its intentions. Then made a quick call to the folks at Nite Rider, who assured me that this "off gassing" is perfectly normal for an older battery and it might be time to replace it. They went on to say that I could release the built up gas by sliding a paper clip in where the cable enters the battery housing. I think I may wait until I am outside to attempt any off gassing. Needless to say one of my oldest and sturdiest bike accessories will need replacing... you will be missed old friend... and then quickly forgotten when replaced with something even more kick ass.

Onward and Upward...

Holiday Haze, NJ Biking, and Wet Hops

My holidays came and went like a steamroller over a harpsichord. They were busy enough that I have just now recovered. Here are some of the highlights.

Having a 5.5 month old complicates the usually over complicated space of time leading up to and between Christmas and New Years. My wife and I spent Christmas at my folks house (1 hour away) and a few days after at her folks house (4 hours away). Strangely the level of effort it took to pack up the family and kid paraphernalia and arrive at the destinations was almost the same.

Aware of this fact my wonderful wife suggested I bring a mountain bike to her folks place and take a morning off to ride. Before she could finish her sentence I had found a what looked to be a suitable trail within a few miles of her parent's house. It was a large park with many trails of which no bikes were allowed, save one. They had recently opened up a 3.5 mile loop to bikes which is cool. 3.5 miles is not enough but I figured I would do a few laps, besides, I shouldn't complain when thrown a bone.

This 3.5 mile loop was not however built with bikers in mind, poor drainage and bad lines made this one of the less enjoyable trails I have ridden. Then I figured out why the park authorities had decided to generously dedicate this sloppy mess of a loop to mountain bikers.

Because no self respecting walker/jogger would dare tread there! That's right this stretch of heaven in the back corner of Cheesequake Park in NJ given so generously to the brethren of the bike is on a stretch of the park that runs up against the Garden State Parkway. Pretty much wherever you are on the loop you can see, hear, or smell exit 120 on the GSP. As I said before, I shouldn't complain. I was happy for the nod from the wife and the chance to hit the trails over the hectic holiday mess.

Something else unique to the State of Gardens is tackiness. I know many other states enjoy their fair share, but there is something amazing about New Jersey tackiness. I should say now before any NJ'ers get too miffed I spent five glorious years in NJ so don't get your lawn ornaments in a tangle. The tackiness I am referring to reaches it's flash point around Christmas. Everyone has that house in their hood that has so many lights it can be seen from space, but unless you are in NJ that house still holds onto a sliver of dignity. Below are a few examples:

One of the highlights to the holiday season was the Harvest Ale from Sierra Nevada. This is a "wet hop" ale which uses hops fresh instead of dried in the brewing process. I don't know much about brewing intricacies but I do know this, me likey the wet hops. Give it a try if you can find it.

Grievances: Chain Lube Delivery Systems

Reading Freeewheel's latest post about some wanker spewing the same old crap has got my chamois all in a bunch. To blow off some steam I am going to focus some of my freshly percolated aggression towards a subject that has vexed me for as long as I have been riding.

Chain Lube Containers:
Over the years I have sampled dozens of different brands of chain lube and have found that most of them have something in common, trouble keeping the product inside the container after use. An all too familiar slimy mess when I go for the bottle o' chain lube.

The first few uses of a new bottle are fine, no mess. After a short while the container gets covered in a thin layer of lube. Lube that soaks into the label and becomes a shiny slimy mess. I have adapted to this problem but wrapping a paper towel around the bottle and affixing it with rubber bands to create a safe zone where I can come in contact with the bottle and not come away slimed.

Sometimes I think, maybe I'm just a slob who lacks the basic motor skills required to unscrew a cap, apply lube, and replace the cap without spilling. On many occasions this is true. But there is some oozing and seepage going on when the bottle is at rest. I know this because my current lube of choice, (Pedros, which happens all enviro-happy) leaves a puddle whenever it has been sitting for a long period of time. So why is it so hard to keep the lube in the bottle? If anyone has had experience with a product that doesn't do this, please let me know.

Perhaps the worst offender of chain lube packaging deficiency is Rock "N" Roll. Not only is there an oozing factor but the plastic bottle is so thin that if dropped from less than 3 feet it breaks making the ultimate chain lube mess. I know this because it has happened to me twice, once in my workspace and again on my newly refinished hardwood floor. Yes I am clumsy, but this product is made for cyclists, to be used in basements, garages, workshops, the side of the trail/rode, back of the pickup etc. One (I) would expect a little structural fortitude out of a container aimed at a market known for product punishment. This bums me out because the lube seems to work pretty well.

Whew! Well I feel better.

Have a great weekend.